Driving home from a doctor’s appointment and I was so hungry. Problems with eating lately and it had been much too long of a time between meals. I also knew there wasn’t much food on hand at the house and nothing that sounded appealing. But I still had to force myself to pull into the grocery store parking lot. Going to the store was the absolute last thing I felt like doing.
It took all the strength I could muster to get out of the car and start making my way to the store. A lady called out to me from the next line of parked cars and asked if could help her out with some gas money. Little did she know that I could barely walk. I felt like I was about to collapse and was doing everything I could just to “keep it together”.
I softly called back to her that I was sick and couldn’t help. That goes against my grain even with someone randomly asking for money. Instead of thinking that I may be subject to a scam, I think of what if they really needed help? What if I was in their shoes and I could only make it as far as the gas station next door on the fuel I had left in the vehicle? What if I needed help and there was no one else around? What’s a couple of dollars to me when it could make all the difference to her? But even though those are my instincts, I was physically and emotionally unable to help her.
Instead, it was necessary to grab a nearby shopping cart just to keep from falling down. She could see that I was not in good shape and she yelled back to me to that everything was good, not to worry. Little did she know, my capacity to worry for her had been drained.
I made it to the inside of the store and as I walked through the aisles the Reminders began. Reminders of him, us and all the gut-wrenching pain.
With each step I had to work hard to take my thoughts elsewhere. To have a focus on each individual food item — to put them in my basket and to keep moving. Seemingly simple steps but ones that required tremendous effort given my state of mind and emotion. The doctor had just diagnosed me as having severe depression, something I already knew all too well.
I hoped and prayed that I’d see no-one I knew. I made it a point to not look around at all just in case, and instead, just focused on the food.
The one exception was a brief stop to the area where they had movies for sale. I thought maybe that would be a distraction when I got home, a much needed distraction to transport myself away from it all. But nothing looked good.
Little did they know, as I trudged through the store, afraid at every turn, that I was struggling with the pain of severe emotional abuse. That I was fearful of encountering a trigger that would set me into sobbing in the middle of the supermarket. Little did they know how a simple function like stopping to get food had for me become a major ordeal.
As I finally exited the store and made my way back to the car, I could almost picture myself from above moving like a frail, sick, hunched-over old woman. It’s shocking how in such a short period of time I’ve gone from vivacious, energetic, optimistic, cheerful, outgoing and youthful to this terrible place.
The doctor had urged me to think of ways to distract myself (hence the movie). She tried naming other things that might help, but none of them were of interest. I had so many interests before all this, including things that I totally enjoyed, but none of them bring any happiness now. Now that I have experienced a Narcissist and Psychopathic Liar who has so undermined my life.
But despite everything that has happened (and that’s been so utterly horrible), the remnants of my former strong self remain and I am at least going through the motions of pushing myself forward. I wish it wasn’t requiring such a gargantuan shove each time, but that’s the way it is.
On the drive home, I was soon approaching an area of very black clouds all across the sky. I spoke with someone on the phone who said a heavy storm was in the area that I was heading to. That seemed to be a metaphor for my life and came as no surprise. To my surprise, however, in front of the black clouds was a very bright, wide and large rainbow. I hadn’t seen a rainbow in years and thought to myself, I need to find a way for this to be symbolic.
If the rainbow had been on the other side of the dark clouds it would have made more sense – symbolizing that a person was making it through the extreme conditions in their life in order to reach the other side and find a better life. To see the rainbow in front of the storm was unexpected. Actually, to see it at all was unexpected. And then, of all things, a second rainbow appeared. Don’t remember that happening since I was a kid.
Maybe they were meant to signify my own inner strength in going through and dealing with the darkest imaginable storm of my life.
I pulled over to the side of the road to take a picture of it so I wouldn’t forget.
Symbols can be important positive signs for the future.
And now I say, “little did they know” the strength, honor and potential of the person walking among them at that grocery store. Every step has been so hard but each one counts in making it to the other side.